Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
