I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
