He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
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