That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
