Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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