1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
