There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
