Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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