Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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