Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Randomize
