quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
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