Where is the hickey?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
