I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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