I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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