I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize