so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
