My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
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