we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
