Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
