When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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