every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
