are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Randomize
