my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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