yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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