it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
