My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
