I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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