I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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