that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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