Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Randomize
