Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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