Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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