You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
