i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
