I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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