i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
