i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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