...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
BRING THE BAGELS
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
