You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
