Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
