so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
