he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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