ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
