when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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