It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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