What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Randomize
