look no pants
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
