There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
He did a backflip because drugs
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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