my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
