Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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