I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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