My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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