who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
