why didn't you poke me back
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I'm really busy with my period
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