My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize