i don't like sucking hair
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
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