Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize