when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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