Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
