summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
