Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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