There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
jump out the window naked night went bad
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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