I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
