It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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