i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Randomize
